Fountain or Drain?

Sometimes it feels like there is no space in my life for me. My goals, my dreams – everything has to sit on the backburner because I am busy cleaning up someone else’s mess.

Always.

Whether it’s the dogs or my boyfriend, I might as well be a 24 hour maid. Occasionally I find extra pill crushers too, or a rolled up dollar bill. So why is everything such a struggle? I ask myself this question more and more often. Don’t we want the same things? Because if we do, then shouldn’t this relationship be easier?

Life is messy when you are on drugs. Things get lost, things are easily forgotten, and procrastination becomes a daily habit. He takes the pills to numb himself even though he says he doesn’t need them. He just wants to ‘have fun’.

So where do we meet? And how do we connect? What binds us? I ask myself these questions every day. Is it love? We are in love, yes. But is love enough to sustain this relationship forever? Who gets worn down first? Because surely I am picking up more than half the slack.

It takes more than love to sustain a relationship. It takes patience, understanding, making adjustments and compassion. Sometimes tough love is necessary but without meanness. It has to come from a good place.

But if he is in love than he must be happy so why the drugs? What is making his life so unbearable? At times the confusion is so overwhelming and I know he feels it too but his way of dealing with it is simply to NOT.

This has forced me to reexamine my life and my relationship with God or my Higher Power. I used to have more time to nurture myself and my relationship with something greater than myself but that voice has been silent for a long time. It has been a tough lesson in evaluating where I am and where I want to be.

Carving out even ten minutes a day to sit in silence has become crucial at this point. I need the stillness to reflect and reassess. I can’t be a fountain forever can I? And he can’t be a drug addict forever can he? Doesn’t it get old? Doesn’t he want a live a life free of depending on something that is slowly destroying his body?

There has been some progress but when you are the only sober person in someone’s life who has addiction issues you are biting off more than you can chew.  I realize I may not get all my answers right way, but asking the questions are a release just as taking the time to nourish my mind and body is important.

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