Did I mention I have the perfect boyfriend? My boyfriend rocks – literally. Every morning and every night he tells me he loves me. He is a great parent to our three dogs and dinner is always served when I get home from work.
But when he’s on coke he’s an A +++ PLUS boyfriend. In addition to his usual routine, he vacuums, spit shines the house until its sparkling and organizes his closet like someone with OCD.
I barely recognize him on coke. In fact the difference is remarkable and I have seen a lot of people at both at parties and clubs on coke. Coke has the opposite effect on him and is nothing like the painkillers.
He is serious, quiet, introspective and almost docile on cocaine. This is why I am convinced that addiction is a mental disease. Even if I try to press all his buttons and act like the kind of girlfriend that would make you cringe, he is still the perfect gentleman. Never once does he lose his temper and he is overly protective of me to the point where I have to tell him to relax.
When he’s sober he teases me for being a square. I don’t take it personally because it has always been my anxiety that has prevented me from dabbling in drugs. My fear of committing to a drug that could hold me prisoner for hours on end terrifies me.
I always like to know exactly where the EXIT signs are and I have yet to come across a drug that has a five minute life span. Something I could literally sample or dip my toe into the pool and test the temperature before diving in.
My fear is when the coke gets mixed with painkillers. This is a deadly cocktail from what I’ve been told. And when the coke doesn’t allow him to fall asleep he will snort a small line of a blue pill to take the edge off. His brother has warned him about the dangers of mixing the two and my anxiety goes through the roof when I see this.
He assures me he is fine but I’m afraid he won’t wake up. Like all things addictions shift and change. Like trading Twizzlers for Snickers. I know he wants to do less drugs. We even have refrigerator magnet where he wrote ‘Do Less Drugs’ as a goal.
But I want zero drugs. Every week I see him battle between where he is and where he would like to be. I will only support his healthy habits and in turn have taken more time to nurture myself. I’m on a mission to get him into a Yoga class at least once so that he can get a taste of how deep breathing and focusing inward can benefit him.
I have also decided to go back to teaching Yoga as well. Not full time, but at least a couple classes a week. In a way I’d like to set an example for not only him but for myself. A reminder that you always have a choice. And it’s okay to feel your feelings instead of numbing yourself with drugs and alcohol.
I love him but I know I always have a choice.